You are all blessed.
I am the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster and I have existed for all time.
There has never been a female Spaghetti Monster, capable of flight or otherwise. As a result I have developed a Frustrated Sexual Mentality (FSM). If a man wishes to be close to Me, the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster then he too should lead a life of extreme sexual frustration. He can then truly be one with the Me, the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster. There is no holier man than he who dies a virgin. On the other hand female virginity is not something I care about one way or another.
Venereal diseases have been sent by Me, the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster and although I have no objection to contraception in general, it must never prevent the spread of a sexually transmitted disease, lest it interferes with My work. Thus the contraceptive pill is totally moral, condoms are not.
There are many who carry out My holy work without formally acknowledging My role in their lives. But I would like to acknowledge them and to express My gratitude for their good work. In particular to Benedict the Virgin. Recently he and his followers managed to prevent the distribution of condoms to prostitutes in Manila, thus greatly helping the spread of venereal diseases so I would like to praise him for his good acts.
It is said, by Me, the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster, that in the year 2631 the son of Rob the Virgin will be born, he will be your Messenger. The Messenger’s mother will be impregnated with Rob the Virgin’s seed by The Miraculous Sperm Transfer. Both before and after The Messenger is conceived, Rob the Virgin will lead a life of extreme sexual frustration and will die a most holy virgin. During the Miraculous Sperm Transfer Rob the Virgin will experience no sexual pleasure what-so-ever.
The Messenger will reveal My will and the world is to be given moral guidance. To get to the top table in heaven you must follow the message that will be presented in the year 2659 by The Messenger, son of Rob the Virgin. The directives that will be delivered are going to be fundamentally different to any previous communication from Me, the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster. I will reveal the following at this time.
* For all people the heaven experience will be significantly better than hell.
* Belief in Me, the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster guarantees entry to heaven
* Lack of belief in Me, the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster guarantees exclusion.
* Both heaven and hell are divided into many tables.
* The better the table the better experience.
* The criteria used for allocating people to tables will be based on their actions and thoughts during their life. The precise rules and guide-lines will be revealed by the son of Rob the Virgin in 2659. No more information will be given before then.
This is My Word and I am the Lord, your Flying Spaghetti Monster.